My Northern Voyage - A story by Comrade_S A Voyage to the edge of known Northerness

Episode I
Arctic Circle Exploits

The Evil Lord Boredom has swept across the galaxy, boring all in his path. In a desperate attempt to flee two lonely travellers/manly ninjas set forth, after having spent most of their formerly vast vast wealth upon golden tickets known around the galactic empire as "Scanrail Passes". They voyage into the vast reaches of what can only be described as "North" in a bid to conquer Lord Boredom.

Their journey began one fine rainy day in late June at a bearing of 28 degrees north of Roberts coffee house in Copenhagen with the target Galaxy being Narvik, in the Norwegian Quadrant. Supplies were prepacked, a habitational module had been acquired (Tent) and one of the traveller/manly ninja's mums had baked Vegetarian Sausage Rolls for the journey.

1.5 earth days later said travellers/manly ninjas arrived...



Feast thine eyes upon the map of conquest

Countries Conquered (Also known as Table of Contents)

Preamble

Norway

North Sweden
Finland

South Sweden

Denmark


TALES OF CONQUEST

The Preamble

So, this is the story of a voyage to the edge of known northerness, it consists of parts of my diary, and some photos. No animals were harmed in its production (of either the website OR during the trip) and some names were changed to sound cooler.


Location= Stockholm Central Station, several hours in... the Swedish media are most obviously interested in our journey norther than north thought I when we were approached by a poll conductress representing the Swedish Newspaper "Ekstra Blad" - our illusions of grandeur were soon shattered with the harrowing story of the too thin models utilised by the Hennes and Mauritz (H+M) clothing company, our opinions and photographs were sought for inclusion in the "Opinion" column... it was thought best that in order to maintain a clear conscience we would answer honestly. As in neither of us were either pro or against the too thin models. The newspaper wanted radical farmer opinions and so we were quickly forgotten and she asked some people with crooked teeth sitting nearby their opinion...

Location= In the SuperSlowTrain (SST) late at night... on the way to Ange, It's still light, I wonder if the sun sets at all now we are up here. We are more North that either of us have ever been before. I'm glad that I brought my Mao shoes, I’m wearing them on the train, they are very comfortable, unlike the wooden chair I am sitting in.



A rare moment of joy on our wooden seats

This is how slow the train went in real time...

Norway

Location= Narvik after midnight...After disembarking the interstellar travelling device, in these parts known as the worlds slowest train, we looked around to gather our bearings. Q="Where are we?" - A="Narvik, the arctic circle" - was the reply. It's still light. It's quite strange. People are going out. It's very cool in a way; it’s as light as it was at 4 in the afternoon. I wonder if there's any crime here "at night", things always seem so much dodgier at night and here there is none. The train journey was back breaking, as back breaking as soul crushing it was to find out that it will cost approximately our souls to get to Nordkapp and back. J, me and a Swiss dude we met on the train are trying to hire a car to get there. It's a roundtrip of 1500km. Crap. Chatted with some Quebecois on the train, they told us that the most beautiful place in Sweden lay nearby... As we get further north, everything seems to be more abandoned, run down, dirty. There's snow not far away on the mountains. Norwegians sing "my bright eyed girl" across the street in a karaoke bar, i'm slightly scared.


Late night in Narvik Harbour

That day at the supermarket, we spotted the horror that we all knew existed yet dared not speak its name. Norwegians are famed for their intolerance of animal trespassers and will shoot both baby seals and giant whales on sight...and now we even saw that they openly sell paste made of child livers (leverpostej) in their supermarkets!?!



After much deliberation it was decided that in the interest of not wasting ALL our Gold we would head for the most beautiful place in Sweden forthwith...direction South East, the same way the Norwegian guns are facing...Norwegians are always ready to fight Swedes, especially if they look like baby seals...


North Sweden

Location= Abisco...We headed to the most beautiful place in Sweden or so we had been led to believe and... indeed it is a place of beauty. We arrived by train [ED. As can be taken for granted in the rest of this tale] and walked a while to find a camping spot. Hidden by the trees and under the cover of bright eternal night we try to sleep...

Whilst in Abisco we Climbed mountains. Real mountains covered in real snow.


J almost died at the first summit, here's the evidence...


He was suffering from "too-hot-and-me-walk-too-long-itus" (burnt his balls walking today. hehe.)



I wanted a snickers bar so much, that we walked back from the mountain at lightspeed in the hope that a shop was open, snow just doesn't cut it as a replacement for chocolate.
Days were spent in Abisco, walking, relaxing, walking; Lord Boredom was most certainly not hot on our heels. Our next Mountain Assault(TM) was made utilising an age old Jedi shortcut, utilised heavily by the local mountain peoples. The Ski Lift. This carried us up quite a long way, many thousands of metres, and we clambered the rest to the summit. We needed to preserve our energy in order to create our very own travellers talisman upon the mountain top...



It kinda reminds me of a stone age monolithic duck...

Then suddenly a spy of Lord Boredom found us in the bar...clad in combat camouflage clothes tied at the waist and topped with a feathered alpine hat, it was hard not to laugh at this inadequate spy sent to destroy us...he posed as a photographer...and even made us watch a crappy slide show which interrupted our card game...the slide show was complete with wailing/whaling indigenous make-out music...if KennyG was an ethnic minority from Lapland he would have made music like this. But we easily survived this brush with middle aged people's pastimes and went on to plan the ultimate survival list, establishing 10 ultimate things you need to survive, anywhere:

1. Long roll of super strong Kevlar thread and needle (to sew with)
2. Multipurpose sleeping bag (to sleep in and dry dishes)
3. Silenced Laser sight Glock 17 with Ammo supply and a thigh strap (thigh straps are both useful AND sexy)
4. Flint and Steel (then you can make fires and sing "I’m a firestarter a twisted firestarter" without being a liar)
5. Carbon Axe with sharpening stone (for posing AND chopping bears)
6. Charcoal water purifier (then you CAN drink your own piss both safely AND securely)
7. Carbon Fibre Toothbrush (there's no dentists when your out surviving)
8. Tent with interwoven solar panels that's super lightweight (for sleeping in AND recharging things at the same time)
9. A Laptop with GPS and a satellite internet link and GTA: San Andreas installed (for finding out where you are, communicating AND giving you something to do, it can be really boring surviviing sometimes)
10. spare socks and underpants... nah not really
10. Gold Credit Card (then you can buy stuff you need not on this list)
- that was the list.


Soon after we left the North of Sweden fearful of Lord Boredom catching us up, we decided it wise not to spend too long in each place. Our next destination...


Finland - Also known as Suomi


...First stop Tornio...this was an unplanned and unexpected stop. There were simply no more transport modules leaving that day. We checked into a mega sovietesque motel (seriously check the picture link) and took a walk into town, on the way we walked past the Lapin Kulta beer brewery, Finlands national beer is brewed in Tornio, which explains why Tornio is a world famous town/tourist magnet...i mean haven't you all heard of it? [the beer tastes just like stella...] well, we ended up at a boy racer pizzeria in the bad side of town. Now, normally when one crosses a time zone one only has to adjust ones timepiece by a few hours... not so in Finland. We lost approximately 22 years. It is in fact still 1983 in Finland.


This was our room...note the green acrylic carpet on the floor, see how it looks new, that’s because it is. They still make them in Finland.
We decided to head somewhere...else, the bit of Finland that sticks out most was decided upon..."Random place this is" that's what Yoda would say, anyhow, we got to a place called Kokkola/Karleby... it has two names, one in Finnish another in Swedish, this seemed to be a common thing in Finland, which is strange because no one we spoke to could speak Swedish, its almost like having a bilingually labelled society but it only being pretend. A bit like Welsh in Wales, everyone knows it’s not a real language. Anyhow, we got there after standing up on a train for what now amounts to possibly 4 of the most uncomfortable hours of our lives.
We journeyed out of town from the train station, eventually finding a camping site. On our inwards journey back into civilisation/town we noted a pizza place... and headed to a bar to drink cheap Finish beer and drown away our train-riding-all-the-time-sorrows. But the thoughts of the pizza place grew only stronger...and stronger...so we went back and ate fine fine pizza. It was so fine that the Pizza Girl was complimented on that fact by us. She was friendly, even asked for our phone numbers...most thankfully I had no mobile phone...
The next few days passed... beers were liberated, mosquitoes were killed (it was in self defence, honest.), then we decided to leave. Lord Boredom had sent out his bounty hunters after us, we had spotted them first...Gypsies! - it was amazing how luxurious their cars were, one even had a sticker in the rear windscreen saying "Mafioso" on it...we decided it was best to move on before they spotted us back and stole out tent so we headed to Hel-sinki.

Location: Russian Mob Hostel, Helsinki- sometime later, 12 or so, we watched some K1 fighting and ate lentils for 4 hours...apart from a few pizzas we have only eaten Lentils and rice. Today its just lentils. I love lentils. I just took a shower and have a mosquitoe bite on my left big toe, right at the end, it's really annoying, anyhow we're staying in some almost abandoned Russia style 45 euro per night hostel somewhere in Helsinki, I just want to sit in the corridor and chill but there’s generally a strange atmosphere out there that makes me feel a little on edge, like drunken people and weird noises coming out under doors right now and they have security cameras everywhere and I feel like they are watching me. maybe they have them in the shower as well, maybe they put the pictures they take on the internet afterwards...oh well back in to watch TV some more... - we don't understand Finnish at all, but we saw the incredibly obese president of Finland talking about invading Dubai - the Finnish word for Dubai is Ole, funnily enough the word “Dubai” actually means pork sausage in Finnish. - We went to a supermarket...and found that:



in Finland they only have horizontally sliced bread...
we discussed that this MUST be due (at least in part) to a genetic fault in their brains causing them to see things in 2D... We left Helsinki soon after realising this...

South Sweden


Location: Ferry/MiniCruise - On a big ass ferry from Helsinki to Stockholm, in a "bar" where there's karaoke...and I’m sitting alone + I feel quite sad. Some big dude keeps saying hello to me in German... "Guten Tag Deutsche Soldat" which was initially scary but now has a pleasant ring to it (and he's huge, really pumped I think he beats people into a pulp for a living). In our infinate wisdom we decided that not having a cabin was the best option, well the cheapest option, and now we have to find somewhere to sleep, that's why we are sitting in a bar sharing a can of soda, thinking about where we could sleep. We played a precognition game earlier, guessing if cards were higer or lower just by holding a hand over them, i should work on mine...I could get 4 in a row correct from randomly drawn cards but if i'm going to be on a John Edwards kinda scale i'll really have to work on this.

Hours later: Finally sleep time, laying on the floor in a room next to the ships casino, the floor vibrating, it's kinda weird, like being a part of a machine. It's finally dark...someday we'll be in Sweden on land again, someday...and then we can escape scary images of homoerotica like the advertisment for...



- Uni Cum....

Camping in Karlstad...After disembarking the cruise ship and buying a falaffel in Stockholm we headed for Karlstad, or as it's known to the locals who never leave, "The Land of Sun", GrandMeisterJ and I met up with Stine and over the next few days we camped, ate Lentils, sun bathed, ate lentils, swam in the algae infested waters of the lakes nearby and ate lentils. I got some real ultimate sunbathing done, I sunbathed so hard. I sunbathed with nearly all my body (there are limits) and at the same time I read SunTzu's "the art of war", can you think of anything more manly and ninja?

No you can't.

Anyhow after a few days of this I got bored and took a train to Goteborg.

Location: Goteborg Train Station or The Sven Goran Erikson station (well it was called something like that) - Well, I arrived after an eventful journey from Karlsted all alone. And i'd lost my faithful DDR badge, suffice to say I felt annoyed. And it was raining. And I had my Mao shoes on. Suffice to say my feet were wet. Anyhow to make a short story long, I decided that Goteborg just wasn't the place for me. I looked around the train station for all of several seconds and hopped the train to Malmo, thus began an eventful journey southwards...

Location: On the train from Goteborg to Kbh...just made this train, sitting next to an easily annoyable old man (i spilt his coffee...on his groin, I mean who drinks coffee on a train?) and opposite a girl that has the biggest...rabbitt teeth ever, she could open bottles with that overbite. I've been playing with my hair for half an hour or so now, should be in Kobenhavn in a few hours, i've decided to head back. I wonder a lot about if my mp3 player battery will hold, i sincerely hope so...also i don't have any food and they don't sell any on the train, there's no toilet either and i've needed to pee for at least 4 hours now. It's annoying. Trains are so boring.

THE FINAL DIARY ENTRY

23:02 Location - Malmo Central...I'd forgotten how annoying it is when you can understand everyone's conversations. I think i'll just listen to some music to drown it out...there's people talking about an accoustic paul weller song for fu*ks sake...

Denmark

Late night in Copenhagen/Kobenhavn, arrived finally back in Denmark. Thankfully Ulla was home so I have somewhere to stay, that makes anyday a +1 kinda day. I slept, slept so hard that I didn't wake up until the next day. This was almost the end of the adventure yet I felt there was still a little energy left in my bones so we went to Jyderup and ate roast vegetables and drank soda, and felt sick for a few days. It was a satisfying end to a satisfying trip.

Conclusion

A conclusion... well now it is a few weeks later and i've had a few weeks of reflection, and a few weeks of sparish time to write all this up. And well I've made a few Zen poems about it.


The hands read 12, but the mind says otherwise, what is reality but the adherance to non-existent rules? - relating to how crappy it was sleeping when the sun was still up.


Much resistence is required to reach the high place where the winds blow, yet serenity overflows as the winds blow away clouded judgements.
- about how much i like climbing mountains.


"Vinegar is bitter, but people still use it"
- about how i'd get annoyed but still can't really help it sometimes.


"As water shapes itself to fit it's vessel, i must shape myself to fit mine, yet remain, as water does, myself."
- reffering to the flexibility one develops when adventuring.

Well Lord Boredom certainly was evaded, for now...(i'm leaving it open for a sequel)


The Cast

Comrade_S GrandMeisterJ Lord Boredom


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